Matt Gaetz Is ‘Almost Too Florida,’ Says Stephen Colbert

Allegations of “Bahamas sex trafficking with a weed-peddling hand surgeon” make the congressman a nearly too-perfect representative of his state, Colbert said.,


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The late-night hosts had plenty to say on Thursday about the accusations against Representative Matt Gaetz, Republican of Florida, as investigators examine a trip he took to the Bahamas with Jason Pirozzolo, a marijuana entrepreneur and hand surgeon.

“Yes, marijuana entrepreneur and hand surgeon, which means he can cure your carpal tunnel and turn your thumb into a bong,” Stephen Colbert joked on Thursday’s “Late Show.”

“By the way, if your hand surgeon is also a marijuana entrepreneur, probably a good idea to learn to write with your feet.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I know Gaetz is from Florida, but ‘Bahamas sex trafficking with weed-peddling hand surgeon’ is almost too Florida, even for him.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“So good luck, Matt Gaetz. Maybe he just loves Trump so much he wants to go to jail with him, is that possible?” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Gaetz is going to get screwed — and as usual, he’s going to have to pay for it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Now might be a fun time to remind people of this tweet Matt Gaetz posted just before Michael Cohen testified in Congress about his former boss, Donald Trump: ‘Hey @michaelcohen212 do your wife & father-in-law know about your girlfriends? Maybe tonight would be a good time for that chat. I wonder if she’ll remain faithful while you’re in prison. She’s about to learn a lot.’ Oh, karma, you old rascal, you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“The former vice poodle is putting Pence to paper. He signed a two-book deal with Simon & Schuster — I wonder if he knows they’re a gay couple.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“How does Mike Pence have enough material to write two books? I feel like I can summarize his entire life in two sentences. One, he was vice president. Two, a fly landed on his head.” — JAMES CORDEN

“The first book is a pretty straightforward memoir, but I was surprised by the second one. It’s actually a steamy romance novel, called ‘Presidential Vices.'” — JAMES CORDEN

“Of course the book will be written by a ghostwriter, Mike Pence.” — JIMMY FALLON

“This will be the only time pages got whiter after words were printed on them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“But the book is a little different, though. There’s a blank white page in the middle with the caption ‘selfie.'” — JIMMY FALLON

“Of course, Pence is currently considering a lot of titles for his memoir. First there’s ‘Fifty Shades of White.’ There’s also ‘Lord of the Flies.’ Next there’s ‘Tuesdays with Moron.’ And finally, ‘Are you There, Mother? It’s Me, Your Husband.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Pence’s publisher calls this ‘the definitive book on one of the most consequential presidencies in American history.’ Oh, it was consequential, all right.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“The book will cover not just Pence’s time in the White House but his whole life, including traumatic family events like the time he saw Mother without her bonnet. He even opens up about the time in college he experimented with almond milk.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I’m sure there will be a lot of talk about religion, his hopes and dreams, and then maybe a chapter about how his boss tried to murder him.” — JIMMY FALLON

Glenn Close talked about spending her pandemic in Montana on Thursday night’s “Desus & Mero.”

From left, Deborah Ayorinde, Melody Hurd, Shahadi Wright Joseph and Ashley Thomas in “Them,” a new horror series from Amazon. The malevolent force at work here is racism.Credit…Amazon Studios

A Black family is faced with the terror of American racism in Amazon’s new 10-part horror series “Them.”

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